Welcome to 2012 Apocalypse Soon. We here at 2012 are well aware of the coming apocalypse: December 21, 2012 and hope to put into the fore front some of the clear cut signs that this most certainly is the end. While there may be no stopping it, we here at 2012 hope to offer some tips to prepare you and hope that your visit to our site will, who knows.. maybe just save your life.
Thanks for reading, and spread the word! 2012 A.S.
Well if anyone reads this site... You have realized there has been a bit of a hiatus here. Well the proprietors of this here site have been a bit busy, but we have decided to make a bit of a change in format. Instead of 7 a week, we will do our best to do daily or bi-daily rants and make a master list in the end of week. So in the spirit of hating everything here are a few things that're bugging me:
1. The Death of the Southside Irish Parade
Well we said before that the police stealing our beer was a travesty, now they finally put the kibbutz on the whole damn thing! I feel like we should have a funeral with speakers and a lowering of the proverbial coffin. Its like one of my friends dying, my favorite holiday going down. I mean sure, I didn't see one cold second of the parade the last three years, but its the principle of the thing! Now I'm going to look like even more of a jackass dressed up all in green.
2. Corruption Even in High Schools!
Well Blagojevich finally got indicted, and thats Illinois for you. But its come down even to my old high school! This state is the hellmouth and eventually its going to implode the United States like a black hole. Just suck the rest down into hell. Because corruption is so deep-seeded that even the deans of my high school can't resist paying for their kids' private school educations with public funding. (They work at a public school-that should say something haha.)
3. Fast and Furious
Its offensive to me that you take the "The"s out of a movie title and you think I'm going to give Vin Diesel another 10 of my dollars. Aint gonna happen 'Vin', if that is your real name. What are you the heir to some 1800s tycoon Vin 'Diesel'? If so, you don't need my money anyway. So fuck off.
This survival tip comes not to help you in the event of the apocalypse, but how to survive post-judgment life. If you somehow cheat fate and wind up alive, whether it be from a bomb shelter, discovery of magic, or just sheer luck, you’re going to need this tip.
Stockpile media! I say this because when everyone else is dead, you’re going to need something to occupy your time. Being unemployed for three months I feel well qualified in this field of boredom. It comes in a few stages, like the Tour de France or recovering from alcoholism.
1. Acceptance I know this is reversed, but at first you’re like “eh maybe I can deal with this, the peace and quiet is kinda nice” This stage is deceiving, its not nice and it gets real lonely. 2, Boredom This is where your media kicks in. Get a couple generators, and like 4 backup iPods. Also, steal all the music and movies you can possibly rustle up because the people who run the interweb will be dead too. 3. Depression just when you feel worthless, remember this: YOU MADE IT! You’re alive and on par with all the billionaires that floated around in space while everyone else burned. So pack up all your no longer illegal stockpiled music, get some food, and find all the rich people who made it out with you. Not only that, but after months of doing nothing but surviving and watching every season of Mama’s Family and Alf, you’ll have lots to talk about.
Side Tip: Test every sexual partner you have that’s Catholic, because if they listen to that nut in the Vatican those condoms have holes in them.
What the hell is going on? What is happening on the slopes of the world? I mean Sonny Bono, Michael Kennedy, and now Natasha Richardson? Is it us as a society? Are we just that dumb when we get a set of skis on? Is there some sort of chemical imbalance that goes haywire when we strap on a set of Burtons? No I didn’t think so either. Something is afoot! Something real bad. Someone is sabotaging the worlds Ski hills. I know it’s going to take a while, and not exactly my choice to end humanity, but its working! Whoever it is, is trying to wipe out a whole society by convincing them it’s a good idea to strap themselves to two slick waxed up pieces of whatever, and go racing down a hill. Not just any hills either. Hills loaded up with thousands of giant pine trees and well of course, the faster they go the better too! If you’re going to ski wouldn’t you want to go at a nice slow pace. NOPE! People get out there and think they are Picabo Street for Christ Sake. Again, not exactly my choice to end the world, but they are proving slow and steady wins the race.
6.Blimps
Where’s the Blimps folks? Exactly, you have not seen a blimp in years. Here’s why. No one knows a THING about blimps. I’ve looked into this. Even blimp pilots have been going missing. I mean you couldn’t attend a summer sporting event, a Superbowl, even some domed events without the presence of a blimp! They used to be everywhere and then poof, gone. Well here’s why, blimps are flying devices that cannot be stopped. They can easily erupt into giant balls of fire which to me is another form of a WMD. I guarantee you the worlds blimps have been purchased by terrorists, Russia (who we all know is just biding their time) China (who own us) and or our friend Kim Jong Il. Well if you have been wondering about what happened to all the blimps, don’t you fret my friends. They will be back and burning down a major city near you soon.
5.AIG
This is another one I’m not even going to touch on to much. The company gets billions because their CEO’s were boneheads and couldn’t keep the company running, but that’s not even the worst of it. NOW, these jabronis are trying to get billions more to pay bonuses to the same CEOs who ran the company into the ground? ARE YOU SHITTING ME AIG?! What balls do you have to think that we would allow you to do this?? Oh, Wait, We probably will allow you to do this because our government is performing like the kid who comes in last at the Special Olympics. If we can let a bunch of failed CEOs “rape” our government like this, what the hell are our real enemies going to do?
(Yes, this deserved to be on both lists)
4.www.bbwpersonalsplus.com
Guys, I’m not even going to explain this to you as why it is a sign of the Apocalypse. Just look it up. Just look it up….
3.The Jitterbug
No my friends, not the fun, hip, “With it” dance you all know and love. I am talking about The Jitterbug Cell phone. Now for those of you unaware of this fine piece of equipment please allow me give you all a little information. This phone is, shaped as if it were a giant beetle, has numbers the size of those on NASCAR Race Cars, and is geared to the Baby boomer generation. I mean if you can find the commercial, please watch it carefully. The catchy swing tempo music, the geriatrics using the phone as if it were as simple as an abacus, and just the general delight of these old folks in the commercial just spells apocalypse to me. Now, let me tell you why. Old people and technology are like water and oil. I don’t care how big the numbers are they still won’t know how to use the damn thing. The world doesn’t care about old people. The fact that a product like this exists and people continue to purchase them shows me the world is incapable of survival.
2.Big Dog Clothing Line
You know exactly what I’m talking about. “Big Dog men” These men you see wearing the shirt that says “Big Dog Fisherman” “Big Dog Poker” “Big Dog Athletics” “Big Dog Cop” “Big Dog Fireman” and so on and so on and so on. Oh wait, I forgot one “BIG DOG ASSHOLE”. You see these shirts are all over the world. They came out in the 90’s and we all know how I love all things 90’s well BIG DOG isn’t one of those things. You know the shirts, they have the big black and white dog on their doing clever things that are to let you know how cool the guys wearing the shirt are. Let me be the one to say, NO ONE WHO WEARS BIG DOG IS COOL! Sorry guys if any of your dad’s rock a Big Dog shirt, do the world a favor and tell them to knock it off. The type of guys who wear this are, Loud mouth managers (you know guys who think their job titles mean more than what they do), guys who think they are tough because of their profession, and just poor saps who get terrible birthday presents from family members who just don’t care. Everyone these shirts must be destroyed before everyone wearing them joins up and destroys everything.
1.Everyone who participated in the Chicago South Side Irish parade events.
You all know who you are and you all know why you’re this weeks top sign of the Apocalypse. Shots, Flippy cup, Beer pong and lots of it. What makes us do this for these three days? I don’t think this phenomena can be explained. It is as if we are programmed every March to just binge and make awful decisions for three days. Now, Imagine with me if you will, if this wasn’t just a South Side of Chicago tradition? What if crazy shenanigans like this happened world wide? It would be anarchy! So let us thank our lucky starts that for three days a year, it is just us down here on the South Side. Although, the parade crowd does seem to be getting larger every year, conspiracy, I think not.
Thanks everyone for reading! YOU'RE A WINNER! Rick
I’m not criticizing the fact B-rock makes his picks for March Madness. Frankly, I may have been more upset if he didn’t. The reason this makes the cut is that this story took precedence in the news over so many other important issues. Well… Sri-Lanka is in turmoil, AIG is butt-raping Americans, but shit! Barack Obama took North Carolina to win it all! I guarantee North Carolina’s fan base jumped up a couple thousand from this endorsement from everyone’s favorite celebrity/leader of the free world. That being said, he is pretty informed. Also, I just put this before anything else. On to #6.
6. Horror Movies
A couple years ago I thought this era of terrible horror movies, remakes and all, was coming to an end. Remember the 90s when a horror movie was a rarity? I pine for those times back. These days you can’t go three weeks without some other abomination unto God coming to the big screen. ‘The Last House on the Left’ and ‘The Haunting in Connecticut’ are the newest of these BOO!I’mgonnajumpoutatyou! pieces of crap coming soon to steal your 10 dollars. Wes Craven must be hurting big time because he keeps allowing these things to be re-made. Originality is dying quicker than Jon Heder’s career, and that’s why this gets a nod.
5. TV Spin-Offs
These aren’t your parents’ delightful spin-offs, this isn’t the Jeffersons and 227. I’m talking about MTV’s deal with Satan involving the fake-reality of boring but attractive people. Laguna Beach left you thinking ‘Wow I want that half-hour back, that shit was terrible.’ But then zang! MTV’s marketing machine hits you with ‘The Hills’. Remember the movie ‘Frailty’? Well Laguna Beach started about when my weight started to hit new and astonishing highs. I think this show just made my metabolism give up because life just wasn’t worth living anymore. Then with the subsequent Hills and now City, soon other organs of mine will begin to quit, like a reverse Frailty until I have my own TLC special and then eventually just die. If being like one of those people is what it takes to be famous, I have no chance and it’s a bad reality to face. But because this show teaches young girls that dealing with boys and working in the fashion industry is just the way to go, we’re all going down.
4. Midnight ‘Twilight’ DVD Release Parties
Stephenie Meyer is a demon in disguise. I see her plan. She has successfully entered a joint contract with the devil and the Jonas Brothers to make sure there will never be a woman president. With young girls too busy thinking about what it would feel like to banged by a vampire or making a Jonas go back on their purity pledge, they won’t have any room to have any real dreams. Not only that, but when will it be the cool thing to do again to actually read books made for adults? I understand it’s a recession, but that doesn’t mean you HAVE to read books about being a vampire or a wizard. Why don’t you learn a marketable skill for a hobby instead of desperately waiting for the next installment of “Insert Absurd Fantasy Here” hits the shelves.
3. AIG Bailed Out Then Gets Bonuses
Edward Liddy really stepped into an awful situation. Its like ‘Intervention’, hey awesome I get to be on TV even if it is to show how much meth I can do in a day! Then you walk into a room with all of your crying friends and family and you got to hop a plane and not drink while you’re in there. Edward Liddy gets to take the helm of AIG only to get hammered into a court hearing about some not illegal but really not ethical bonuses. This company just got bailed out for the tune of $22 billion clams and now they the coconuts to give about 280 executives bonuses of over 100 grand. Such utter disregard for your fellow human beings in a time of crisis is surely a sign of the apocalypse.
2. The Fed Pumps $1.2 Trillion Into U.S. Economy
Who let Hammer into the White House? Isn’t that about as much as he blew employing the entire city of Oakland? This spending, while in the long term may be beneficial, in the short term is scarier than any horror re-make (see #6). Someday soon the Secretary of the Treasury is going to be a broke preacher as well. Three years is not enough for our economy to recover, and if there were any country that may be able to save the world it would’ve been ours. Where is all this money coming from anyway? It almost makes me glad to not be able to buy anything so I can’t be taxed harshly. The imminent collapse of a world power’s economy is going to be detrimental, and a sign of the apocalypse.
1. The Pope Vs. Condoms
The Pope, the head of the Catholic church, is out there broadcasting that he doesn’t condone the use of condoms, even “to stop the spread of AIDS.” With the Catholic religion growing by leaps and bounds in Africa, if the people listen the people who don’t by chance have AIDS will soon. Celibacy is the answer to no children and no disease I agree, but now that these diseases already exist other measure must be taken. We can’t all be the Duggars, Rome. And thank God for that. The spread of disease is the ultimate sign of the apocalypse.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson what are you doing? I used to find you slightly entertaining.I mean you started off god awful don't get me wrong. That being said, I thought your performance in “Be Cool” along side Vince Vaughn was pretty funny. I mean the fact that you were once a professional wrestling, trash mega star was already disadvantage for you. Then showing some promise, you cut ties with the business that’s number one amongst the Meth Demographic to maybe having a promising film career. However the train to movie stardom was delayed with your picture “The Game Plan”. It seems though as if the train has now derailed, “Race to witch Mountain” has done it sir. Your film career has finally bombed. I mean you’re doing Brendan Fraser pictures man. Brendan Fraser. So that can only mean 1 thing. . . . Two Brendan Frasers in this world clearly means mankind is DOOMED! Please just call it quits so humanity has a chance!!
6.Michael Jackson's Farewell tour.
Michael Jackson, the Man in the mirror, Jacko, Black or white, Face falling off, Latoya look a like, child molesting, king of pop has announced his fare well tour, the slogan, “This is it”. Are you shitting me Michael? This is it?? However, enraged as I was at this, it then hit me. I mean the signs have been there all along! His face melting, his goofy ways, his crazy misunderstanding on how to name children, and his creepy Neverland Ranch. Michael is clearly from another planet and now it’s proven! Most “farewell” tours on average run about 2 to 3 years. What happens 3 years from now you ask? Right 2012! Michael ladies and gentleman, is clearly an ALIEN! He’s going to make a ton of clams out of this tour and then he’s off to well who knows where. I mean he managed to stay relevant for 30+ years and has scammed the world out of more money than Bernie Madoff. 100 million in debt my arse. Michael has been hiding all this money for his ticket out of here. He’s clearly been buying plans and technology to build a shuttle from somewhere and you know Nasa isn’t helping him. He’s pulled the wool over all our eyes folks, it was all just a show and it’s about to be curtains. Michael’s on his way off this rock and that’s saying something.
5. Oh Charles Barkley
Charles Barkley, you’re turrible, just turrible. 3 days in the pokey for a DUI. Just 3 days in prison and that’s it. Then it’s back to work at TNT making even more millions. You know what happens if I got pulled over for a DUI and my excuse for it was “I was in a hurry to get a B**w Job around the corner” guess what I would get aside from getting grounded(yes i still live with my parents)? That’s right absolutely nothing but a stain on my record! I wouldn’t get millions keeping my job for TNT. I wouldn’t get a reality show based off my piss poor golf game. I would get nothing! The fact that Sir Charles can make a mockery of our judicial system while making jokes the whole way through, goes to show, that its all over for us.
4. Armageddon or Deep Impact?
This just in, just in case you missed it WE ALMOST GOT HIT BY AN ASTEROID! Now chances are you didn’t hear about this. Well in the government’s defense it was only 50,000 miles away. (Right that distance means nothing to me either) However, to put that into perspective, the distance between the Earth and Moon is 230,000 miles away! Now if you ask me, that’s TO damn close to not be informed until after it had passed us by! It was 50 yards long and would have caused roughly the same amount of damage caused by the speculated Siberian asteroid strike which leveled 800 square miles of forest. Its things like that make me wonder how many other near misses there have been, and if the one in 2012 wont be a near miss at all…
3.Tom Ammiano stop your peer pressure!
Tom Ammiano, have you gone insane sir? Legalize marijuana? You have clearly lost touch with reality. Now those of you not familiar with this lunatic he is an Assemblyman in California proposing a law to legalize marijuana. Yes THE Marijuana.Marijuana is the single most used drug in America and you think it’s smart to legalize this “wacky tobaccy”? I mean sure it would bring in 1.3 billion a year in estimated tax dollars but at what costs??? Dope fiends would run the streets in a wild “high”, getting kicks with friends in black lit orgies of laughter, indulging on dozens of Twinkies, Funyuns, and Grape drinks. Sure there are more alcohol related deaths in the world than Marijuana related incidents, but Marijuana is a terrible drug that leads to FAR worse. The idea of legalized marijuana and the fact that this law has big support from San Francisco "high ups" is clearly the sign that the world will end at the cause of a DOPE ADDICT and in my opinion is a sad time in America.
2. Kim Jong Il you crassy!
Kim Jong Il, you sad crazy little man. Sorry it took you almost 50 Plus years to join the nuclear weapons club. Sorry that you suffer from “little mans” disease. Sorry that Japan, China and almost every other Asian nation is leagues ahead of your tiny little country. Now I know you’re looking for attention, kind of like Marsha Brady in her adolescence but its time to shut it down Kim. Unless you have some secret alliance with Putin’s new USSR themed Russia which I doubt he would even give you the sweat off his testes, I would recommend War with the U.S., the UN and your nemesis to the south would not be your wisest choice. How do you expect the world to believe that you have the technology to launch a satellite? Your country is one of the poorest, your technology is a joke and you expect us to believe that’s a SPACE Satellite you’re launching!? YOU’RE NUTS! So please Kim Jong Il launch your “satellite”, and watch the world implode. Thank you, I hope your cries for attention were well worth it sir.
1. Poor Monkey
Ok, first things first… WHY WHY WHY are we wondering how a chimpanzee could have RIPPED someone’s face off? Oh RIGHT I’ll tell you, IT’S A DAMN CHIMPANZEE! My god this is an outrageous story! First off, I used to be all for owning a monkey but that’s right I grew up. This is just crazy to me! I’ve seen headlines from Fox News that said, “CHIMP GOES BANANAS” or my personal favorite from the New York Post “FURIOUS GEORGE”. I mean I don’t think people realize how ridiculous this is. The chimp’s owner bathed and slept with the damn animal not to mention had it on enough tranquilizers to take down an elephant! So you’re damn right the chimp went (for lack of a better term), apeshit! So next time someone asks, “I wonder what provoked the attack?” turn to them and punch them in the face and say, “The chimp was asked a question like that!” Now down to brass tacks, what constitutes this as a sign of the coming end you ask? Well if we as a society have to ask questions about why a CHIMPANZEE, an animal, something we have supposedly EVOLVED from, attacked a woman and ripped her face right off of her face, then we don’t have a chance in hell in surviving any kind of attack, global warming, economic crisis, zombie attack, or asteroid strike that is surely to come in 2012. In the words of Charlton Heston, "GOD DAMN YOUS! GOD DAMN YOUS ALL TO HELL!"
Well everyone there you have it. My 7 signs of the apocalypse for this week. Please dont forget to vote on your favorite signs off the two lists for this week. Also we appreciate all comments as you know, even if they are from jerks like Rush Limbaugh.
Why, Coolio, why!? Seems to me you should still have “Fantastic Voyage” or “Gangsta’s Paradise” money floating around somewhere, so crack is a little under standard for such a large 90s star. At least get caught with some cocaine, or ecstasy, or something a little more high class. The only way this offense will be forgiven is if the public gets a killer song about getting busted for crack at LAX. First MC Hammer goes broke, Vanilla Ice starts a terrible rap metal band, and now this! Why can’t the rap stars of its heyday at least keep their dignity (Ice Cube in Are We There Yet? and Are We Done Yet? anyone?). This makes for sign #7.
6. I kind of like T-Pain now
Staying on the music topic and not leaving myself out of this, me liking T-Pain a little scares me. With his recent songs with Ludacris, and his hilarious feature in The Lonely Island’s song “I’m On a Boat”, I can’t help but have gained a bit of affection for him and his ridiculous top hat wearing ass. Now talk to me anytime before now, and I would’ve condemned this man for not having any talent because he uses the Auto-Tune for every song and dresses like an asshole. But now, with these shows of a sense of humor, I’m forced to change my mind a bit. Now I like to stay stalwart in my hating of things, and for this I’m sorry world for dooming you.
5. Text Message Horoscopes
First of all, anyone who thinks these things work and will forever change your life should suffer a fate worse than death, such as being Paris Hilton’s assistant. I say this because that job should be suitable to your IQ level… well this makes me question my decision because you would be the one to enjoy that type of job. Since the US banned public execution a long time ago, I don’t know a suitable punishment. Anyhow, does anyone read the fine print in commercials? These things cost like $19.95 a month to keep getting! I’m not even making that up, that’s a real figure. Teenage girls, at least learn some economics and get a whole YEAR of Teen People or some shit for that much. Oh, and knowledge generation bureau or whatever, don’t think I don’t know that you’re doing the exact same thing with your clever commercials.
4. Brickhouse Child Locators
Now riddle me this… what’s worse, the fact that these oppressive devices exist, or the fact that they might actually be necessary? Parents, have you ever thought of the possibility that your shitty kid wants to run away from you at the park is that you’re a shitty parent? Maybe you’ll prove otherwise by finding your damn kid yourself without a homing device. Having a kid isn’t like catching fish or running an air traffic control tower. Ok, after that bout of insensitivity, here’s some sentimental stuff. The fact that there are enough people snatching up kids out there that these things had to be made in the first place makes this sign of the apocalypse even more valid.
3. General Motors in the Toilet
It’s about time for all of the older generations who hold a grudge against Japan for World War II to get over it and buy a Honda. Because in about 20 years, you won’t be able to get your Chevy or Buick fixed in a normal shop, they’ll be in specialty shops like Jaguars and Beemers are now. GM’s stock fell to under $2 this week, meaning you can get a stock of GM for less than a value meal at McDonald’s. This says to me my investment in getter fatter has been a better one than investing in American cars, and it certainly worked. For if a second Ice Age were to come, my fat will keep me warm even when your heater breaks in your car you can’t get fixed. But this is a sign of the apocalypse because any major American company going under affects everyone, not just us.
2. The “Octomom”
It makes myself sick to give this woman more press, but then I feel better because only about 8 people will read this anyway. But what is this current obsession with being able to pop a bunch of kids out of your vag anyway? The only comfort this gives me is that “Children of Men” isn’t happening. People seem to forget how utterly useless this woman is, besides being ultra-fertile. Bravo you contributed 14 more poor children to the world, and please don’t send her money she put herself in this situation. She better hope one of those kids is a Major Leaguer or something, because if not have fun living off everyone else asshole. Besides there’s already like 3 shows on TLC about multiple kids, you missed the boat lady. The fact that she gets more press than actual issues is a sure sign that society has doomed us.
1. “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” No.1 in Blu-Ray and Comedy DVD Sales
Now I hate to be so predictable here, but dammit people have made these last two weeks so easy, and its my responsibility as a hater to put this at #1. If this is what children like these days, the man who wrote the movie “Idiocracy” is a prophet, because that’s where the world is headed. In the land of idiots, the half-wit is king. Actually bring that on, I might have a chance of making something of myself. But I would be really surprised if this movie doesn’t piss god or Buddha or whoever off enough to just say screw it, this experiment is over they ruined it for themselves.
Ladies, gents and transgenders alike , THE RESULTS ARE IN! I know i know you were all dying to know what the top 7 signs of the apocalypse would be. Well you have to wait no further. The results are as follows...
Now 7-4 all received one vote so please don't get into an uproar 7-4 are in no particular order!
7. Reality Television
6. The Jonas brothers
5.Paul Harvey's Death
4. St. Patricks Day Parade beer confiscation.
Now here comes the big dogs. Receiving 2 votes..
3. Alex Rodriguez, Baseballs golden boy, Oh yea he uses steroids too!
Receiving 3 Votes and really truly and upset to Team 2012,
Number 2. Madea Number one at the Box office two weeks in a row!!!
And folks your number ONE sign of the apocalypse for the week of 3/1 to 3/8, Ladies and gentleman,,, your choice as our Inaugural sign of the Apocalypse....
TMZ.COM!!!!!!!!!
We appreciate all votes and all comments!! Please don't forget next weeks top 14 signs of the apocalypse and please don't forget to vote !!!! The next 14 will be released tomorrow so please check back and tell everyone you know what we're doing here at 2012ApocalypseSoon.blogspot.com !!!!!
This tip is designed to help the Ultra conservative groups in America. Now majority of you share the same sentiments that what our current president has is a "socialist" agenda. Well just as the socialist opposition did in early 20th century Russia they adapted to the new society to fit in unquestionably plotting to one day over throw the Socialists. With the fear of socialism looming in post George W's America I envisage a Conservative lot that is willing to do anything and everything to survive Obama's plot to destroy America, and spit on our constitution only to convert us all to Muslims because that's exactly what he is! What do i have in mind you ask. Move to another country possibly? What i say to that fine readers is nay! Without America, there is no world. As George W. Bush stated, "I believe the most solemn duty of the American president is to protect the American people. If America shows uncertainty and weakness in this decade, the world will drift toward tragedy. This will not happen on my watch. " So without America, and George W. Bush the world is over as we know it. So what all of you must do in order to keep the true values of America alive and well through these hard times are quite simple. The Obama Fade. That's right brothers to get the Obama fade will be the fool proof way to go unnoticed in the Obama Socialist party. This will give you great opportunity to secretly spread the message of Democracy and to keep Lady Liberties heart resonating through the globe. I have included some pictures to help display just exactly how the haircut should look.
Now here is an example on how some Europeans opposed to socialism blended in to look like Lenin. This Worked like a charm.
Now you can go into any barber and just as for the "Obama Fade" As Seen here!
By following these steps my conservative comra.. (oops) friends, you will surely fly completely under the radar whilst trying to save the world. . .
Looks like the conservative voice has taken my advice already!! Looks great Rush! Looks Great!
Good Luck to you, and may God Bless the United States Of America Rick
Ok now this survival tip comes with very specific circumstances, so listen... read closely. If the forthcoming apocalypse were one of the "I Am Legend" zombie variety, acquire a houseboat or at least a house on a lake. Everyone knows zombies in the traditional sense can't swim, and even if they could point is moot because they'd never suspect you're floating somewhere in a lake. Now here comes the important part, if we are in a "28 Days/Weeks Later" situation with smarter zombies, this plan may or may not work, so i do not endorse it. But after the initial wave of deaths, acquiring a houseboat shouldn't be a problem if you make it.
So lets recap:
If your zombies look like this << and have a sun allergy, this plan is good to go.
If your zombies look like this << however, you may encounter problems and don't say I didn't tell you so.
Now, what baffles me here is that our nation, make that the world, is in a terrible economic down fall. However from tuning in to a select few stations every Monday night and one Sunday a month you will gaze your peepers upon tens of thousands of Americas finest citizens still packing arenas to watch Triple H bash someone’s head in with a sledge hammer. Now for those who know me, you are probably saying, “wait. .now wait just a minute. You used to be obsessed with the sport.” And I say to you…. Shut your mouth it’s my Blog. Twenty thousand plus every Monday night makes professional wrestling a perfect addition to my weekly list that 2012 is the apocalypse.
6. The Death of Paul Harvey
Born in Tulsa, Oklahoma this amazing anchor impacted the lives of millions with his unique brand of news broadcasts. For over fifty years Paul Harvey read us his news in his special way crowning the term “guestimate” and always letting his listeners know what page he was turning to. Mr. Harvey reminds me of my childhood where on my rides to school with my aunt Paul Harvey would always be sending me off to class with a signature “Good Day” and for him to die leaves no one else to bring us the news.Without news how will anyone know what’s going on?? Therefore the death of Paul Harvey and the lack of news to the world from now till 2012 will almost certainly spark Armageddon.
5. Reality Television
What started with The Real World, should have come to an end oh so many years ago. Shows like Survivor, Big Brother, Bachelor, Bachelorette, Wife Swap, Trading Spouses, Extreme home makeover, super nanny, Amazing race, the apprentice, and anything on Vh1. What happened to good ol’ television? When you turned on the tube not to find 100 guys trying to be Americas top Tool or win 100k, but to make us laugh, to leave us on the edge of our seats, or to make us sad? Sure there are some of these shows now starting to make a come back but what the hell happened to us as a society for so many years where we allowed ourselves to become so self indulged with the lives of other people? What will stem from this is going to be a whole generation of complete losers who have spent their whole lives watching this garbage. So if 2012 doesn’t kill us, these jabronies definitely will!
4. Bernie Madoff
How in gods name do you have the conscious to take over 50 Billion dollars from poor saps just to scam more money for yourself? I mean upon being a former Chairman of the NASDAQ, and founder of Madoff Investment Securities you felt the need to steal 50 billion dollars from people? God, I think this makes me so mad because I didn’t come up with it? I mean if I’m running a ponzi scheme I’m not telling anyone especially if I have the skills and knowledge to run the whole thing myself which this guy did! However it’s not the stealing of 50 bil that puts Mr. Madoff on my list this week. It’s the fact that once his sons found out he was running this little job they ratted him out the feds???? What were they thinking??I’ll tell ya this folks, if my old man is setting up a Ponzi scheme where I one day will be getting all his money, I’ll be the first in line to say “What can I do to help dad” I most certainly wouldn’t be ratting him out. So, sons ratting out their fathers to the feds over 50 billion dollars of cash is a sure sign that the end is near.
3. The Jonas Brothers
Yup Nick, Jo, and Kevin Jonas, They are talent-less boys who never should have had the opportunity to play alongside Stevie Wonder at this years Grammy’s. Not only did they sound like 3 Greg Bradys during the collaboration but they managed to completely screw up the lyrics of Superstition. However Disney being the puppeteer of tweens across this globe somehow got these three hideously ugly young men “signed sealed and delivered” on Pj’s, lunch boxes, dolls, bed sheets, posters and every teenie bopper magazine out today. The biggest atrocity is that now these jagaloons have a major motion picture out in theatres and it can’t be just a normal movie but it has to be a damn 3D movie. So not only do parents have to sit thru 2 hours of a movie infested with screaming young girls but they have to look at Joe Jonas’s pimples popping into their faces through the magic of 3D. So when they get to leave the theatre that was louder than a ford city showing of Friday the 13th they just get to go home and listen to more Jonas Brothers. Thanks Disney for your contribution to complete extinction!
2. TMZ
Yes the wonderful Harvey Levine brings us the fine piece of programming glorifying celebrities and wannabe celebs’ alike! Millions tune in to see who Lindsey Lohan is flaunting around town this week, is she a lesbian?? Oh no no this week she’s dating John Mayer! Who is also dating Jennifer Aniston who is trying to split up Brangelina, who ugh is adopting 20 Somalians and Jessica Simpson because she might be preggers. Or no wait she just gained 500lbs so Tony Romo must be cheating! Rhianna gets mauled by a tiger? Oh no no that was just Chris Brown taking it to her like a guard to a GITMO detainee! Oh but wait!! WAS SHE PREGNANT??? Oh Wait…I got it!WHO GIVES A RATS ASS???If all the idiots who watched this everyday paid attention to the crisis our government has gotten in as much as they pay attention to this trash we would have all problems solved.
1. Madea 1 at the box office
My god what has happened to us in this time of uncertainty. I mean not just one week, but two weeks in a row?? What the hell is wrong with us? First off, why is Tyler Perry even still allowed to make movies, and or TV shows. I mean I wish I would of known the completely awful decisions my social peers were making by going to see Madea goes to Jail so many times because I promise you if I had, I would of seen Friday the 13th 400 times just to make it number one over anything Tyler Perry was involved in. The reason I have this as my number one is to show the public, and you kind readers, just how strong my position is on boycotting anything Tyler Perry is involved in. I hate the man with such passion as I hate Ron Santo and those who know me realize how much distain that really is. So number one on both lists this weeks, has to be Madea.
Til Next time,
Rick
ps- Please vote for your favorites on our lists this week! Also please dont forget to visit our friends at www.2012supplies.com for all your gas mask, dried foods, and survival needs!
Now I spent my fair share of time in college, a good four and half years, in fact. If you look at me freshman year and me now, it’s like a Jenny Craig ad gone horrifyingly wrong. I enjoyed partying and being able to drink 20 beers a night just like anyone else… But this nerd takes everything we love about partying and makes it a slow sub-par rap song that anyone that’s seen Animal House could have wrote. That party had worse acting than Michael Cera. Show me a party like that, and I’ll show you a music video set. Plus I hope to God that the “Do Something Crazy” part was just for the censored version, or this song is gayer than Richard Simmons singing “Single Ladies” in the airport. Simplifying college down so much from something so glorious to something so shitty is surely a sign.
6. “For the Love of Ray J”
Wasn’t Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, Flavor of Love 2, I Love New York, Rock of Love 2, I Love New York 2, Flavor of Love 3, and Rock of Love Bus enough Vh1!? Apparently not. Here comes yet another piece of flaming feces of love from the masters, and its worse than ever before. And why Ray J? From the headlines he can still pick up a woman. I mean I get Bret Michaels he’s like 45 and playing the county fair, and Gollum from Lord of the Rings lost his precious in Mount Doom, they need help. If Ray J is in this class of fellows, it makes up for sign #6.
5. The History Channel Hasn’t Played Anything About Hitler in Like A Week
You know something is wrong when this happens. For some time, this channel could’ve been called the Hitler Network and no one would’ve been the wiser. But lately History has been preoccupied with other things, like signs of the apocalypse… shit. Also stop teasing us with seemingly interesting shows about Abraham Lincoln’s body getting grave robbed and then no such thing really happened. Get back to your roots History! On to #4.
4. The Cops Confiscating Beer at St. Patrick’s Day Parades
Now I’m not 100% Irish, but I’m pretty sure that St. Patrick is the Patron Saint of Leprechaun Costumes and piss lookouts for the cops. The St. Patrick’s Day Parade was once a wonderland of gratuitous and public alcohol consumption. However, the police in Chicago are looking to ruin our great American holiday by making me pour my beer out and empty my 25 lb. Backpack. Just when you thought going through all the trouble of putting it in a red plastic cup away from sight was enough, they wallop you with all these new rules. As sure as a sign of the apocalypse can be.
3. Alex Rodriguez/ The New York Yankees Pitching Rotation
Just like Gotham City’s white knight Harvey Dent, Alex Rodriguez has fallen from grace. Except there’s no Batman to cover his ass, just a dumbass cousin who accidentally gave him steroids. Accidentally taking steroids is like accidentally raping someone, these things don’t just happen. Also strikingly similar, with pointy things in peoples’ asses. Babe Ruth hit a shit ton of home runs on a hangover and hot dogs, that’s a true blue American hero. If anyone has ever drank before they know that’s not a performance-enhancing drug, if anything it’s a hindrance. I’m lucky to get off the couch or turn the channel when hung over, let alone sock some dingers. Also, if Microsoft weren’t a bad enough monopoly, the New York Yankees have become it. AJ Burnett and CC Sabathia? Baseball has been ruined for everyone as we know it… and that’s a sure sign of the apocalypse.
2. Obama’s Stimulus Plan
3.5 trillion dollars in spending next year, including 1.75 trillion dollars in deficit spending, that spells the word fucked with a capital F. So much of our country is going to belong to China, your dad’s new job is going to be writing the fortunes in the middle of cookies. We might as well let England have this mess back, the pound is strong anyway. We’re going to have to make dollar slots for gumball machines because everything is going to cost a fortune. Better get a passport before they’re a thousand dollars, sign #2. And that brings us to the worst sign this week…
1.“Madea Goes to Jail” No. 1 at the Box Office Two Weeks in a Row
I don’t think I really need to explain myself here. The self promotion machine Tyler Perry has hit #1 with Madea Goes to Jail not one week, but two weeks in a row! They say if you give a roomful of chimps typewriters, you would eventually get Shakespeare, they could pound out a Tyler Perry movie in about 28 minutes flat. Yet this guy is making money, and I’m trying to wash cars for 11 dollars an hour. Due to this lack of justice in the universe, this is surely the #1 sign we’re all going down in a blaze of hellfire in a little over three years.
All these signs point to disaster, hit up the site to the right for your survival tactics or move to a country God hasn’t heard of like Sweden or Australia. Also, after me and Rick complete our lists, feel free to comment and vote from our lists for the week’s ultimate seven signs!
