Ricktovens 2nd

7. Dwyane Johnson

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson what are you doing? I used to find you slightly entertaining.I mean you started off god awful don't get me wrong. That being said, I thought your performance in “Be Cool” along side Vince Vaughn was pretty funny. I mean the fact that you were once a professional wrestling, trash mega star was already disadvantage for you. Then showing some promise, you cut ties with the business that’s number one amongst the Meth Demographic to maybe having a promising film career. However the train to movie stardom was delayed with your picture “The Game Plan”. It seems though as if the train has now derailed, “Race to witch Mountain” has done it sir. Your film career has finally bombed. I mean you’re doing Brendan Fraser pictures man. Brendan Fraser. So that can only mean 1 thing. . . . Two Brendan Frasers in this world clearly means mankind is DOOMED! Please just call it quits so humanity has a chance!!

6.Michael Jackson's Farewell tour.

Michael Jackson, the Man in the mirror, Jacko, Black or white, Face falling off, Latoya look a like, child molesting, king of pop has announced his fare well tour, the slogan, “This is it”. Are you shitting me Michael? This is it?? However, enraged as I was at this, it then hit me. I mean the signs have been there all along! His face melting, his goofy ways, his crazy misunderstanding on how to name children, and his creepy Neverland Ranch. Michael is clearly from another planet and now it’s proven! Most “farewell” tours on average run about 2 to 3 years. What happens 3 years from now you ask? Right 2012! Michael ladies and gentleman, is clearly an ALIEN! He’s going to make a ton of clams out of this tour and then he’s off to well who knows where. I mean he managed to stay relevant for 30+ years and has scammed the world out of more money than Bernie Madoff. 100 million in debt my arse. Michael has been hiding all this money for his ticket out of here. He’s clearly been buying plans and technology to build a shuttle from somewhere and you know Nasa isn’t helping him. He’s pulled the wool over all our eyes folks, it was all just a show and it’s about to be curtains. Michael’s on his way off this rock and that’s saying something.

5. Oh Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley, you’re turrible, just turrible. 3 days in the pokey for a DUI. Just 3 days in prison and that’s it. Then it’s back to work at TNT making even more millions. You know what happens if I got pulled over for a DUI and my excuse for it was “I was in a hurry to get a B**w Job around the corner” guess what I would get aside from getting grounded(yes i still live with my parents)? That’s right absolutely nothing but a stain on my record! I wouldn’t get millions keeping my job for TNT. I wouldn’t get a reality show based off my piss poor golf game. I would get nothing! The fact that Sir Charles can make a mockery of our judicial system while making jokes the whole way through, goes to show, that its all over for us.

4. Armageddon or Deep Impact?

This just in, just in case you missed it WE ALMOST GOT HIT BY AN ASTEROID! Now chances are you didn’t hear about this. Well in the government’s defense it was only 50,000 miles away. (Right that distance means nothing to me either) However, to put that into perspective, the distance between the Earth and Moon is 230,000 miles away! Now if you ask me, that’s TO damn close to not be informed until after it had passed us by! It was 50 yards long and would have caused roughly the same amount of damage caused by the speculated Siberian asteroid strike which leveled 800 square miles of forest. Its things like that make me wonder how many other near misses there have been, and if the one in 2012 wont be a near miss at all…

3.Tom Ammiano stop your peer pressure!

Tom Ammiano, have you gone insane sir? Legalize marijuana? You have clearly lost touch with reality. Now those of you not familiar with this lunatic he is an Assemblyman in California proposing a law to legalize marijuana. Yes THE Marijuana. Marijuana is the single most used drug in America and you think it’s smart to legalize this “wacky tobaccy”? I mean sure it would bring in 1.3 billion a year in estimated tax dollars but at what costs??? Dope fiends would run the streets in a wild “high”, getting kicks with friends in black lit orgies of laughter, indulging on dozens of Twinkies, Funyuns, and Grape drinks. Sure there are more alcohol related deaths in the world than Marijuana related incidents, but Marijuana is a terrible drug that leads to FAR worse. The idea of legalized marijuana and the fact that this law has big support from San Francisco "high ups" is clearly the sign that the world will end at the cause of a DOPE ADDICT and in my opinion is a sad time in America.

2. Kim Jong Il you crassy!

Kim Jong Il, you sad crazy little man. Sorry it took you almost 50 Plus years to join the nuclear weapons club. Sorry that you suffer from “little mans” disease. Sorry that Japan, China and almost every other Asian nation is leagues ahead of your tiny little country. Now I know you’re looking for attention, kind of like Marsha Brady in her adolescence but its time to shut it down Kim. Unless you have some secret alliance with Putin’s new USSR themed Russia which I doubt he would even give you the sweat off his testes, I would recommend War with the U.S., the UN and your nemesis to the south would not be your wisest choice. How do you expect the world to believe that you have the technology to launch a satellite? Your country is one of the poorest, your technology is a joke and you expect us to believe that’s a SPACE Satellite you’re launching!? YOU’RE NUTS! So please Kim Jong Il launch your “satellite”, and watch the world implode. Thank you, I hope your cries for attention were well worth it sir.

1. Poor Monkey

Ok, first things first… WHY WHY WHY are we wondering how a chimpanzee could have RIPPED someone’s face off? Oh RIGHT I’ll tell you, IT’S A DAMN CHIMPANZEE! My god this is an outrageous story! First off, I used to be all for owning a monkey but that’s right I grew up. This is just crazy to me! I’ve seen headlines from Fox News that said, “CHIMP GOES BANANAS” or my personal favorite from the New York Post “FURIOUS GEORGE”. I mean I don’t think people realize how ridiculous this is. The chimp’s owner bathed and slept with the damn animal not to mention had it on enough tranquilizers to take down an elephant! So you’re damn right the chimp went (for lack of a better term), apeshit! So next time someone asks, “I wonder what provoked the attack?” turn to them and punch them in the face and say, “The chimp was asked a question like that!” Now down to brass tacks, what constitutes this as a sign of the coming end you ask? Well if we as a society have to ask questions about why a CHIMPANZEE, an animal, something we have supposedly EVOLVED from, attacked a woman and ripped her face right off of her face, then we don’t have a chance in hell in surviving any kind of attack, global warming, economic crisis, zombie attack, or asteroid strike that is surely to come in 2012. In the words of Charlton Heston, "GOD DAMN YOUS! GOD DAMN YOUS ALL TO HELL!"

Well everyone there you have it. My 7 signs of the apocalypse for this week. Please dont forget to vote on your favorite signs off the two lists for this week. Also we appreciate all comments as you know, even if they are from jerks like Rush Limbaugh.

Til Next time,
Rick