Inaugural Post!

7. Asher Roth- “I Love College”

Now I spent my fair share of time in college, a good four and half years, in fact. If you look at me freshman year and me now, it’s like a Jenny Craig ad gone horrifyingly wrong. I enjoyed partying and being able to drink 20 beers a night just like anyone else… But this nerd takes everything we love about partying and makes it a slow sub-par rap song that anyone that’s seen Animal House could have wrote. That party had worse acting than Michael Cera. Show me a party like that, and I’ll show you a music video set. Plus I hope to God that the “Do Something Crazy” part was just for the censored version, or this song is gayer than Richard Simmons singing “Single Ladies” in the airport. Simplifying college down so much from something so glorious to something so shitty is surely a sign.

6. “For the Love of Ray J”

Wasn’t Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, Flavor of Love 2, I Love New York, Rock of Love 2, I Love New York 2, Flavor of Love 3, and Rock of Love Bus enough Vh1!? Apparently not. Here comes yet another piece of flaming feces of love from the masters, and its worse than ever before. And why Ray J? From the headlines he can still pick up a woman. I mean I get Bret Michaels he’s like 45 and playing the county fair, and Gollum from Lord of the Rings lost his precious in Mount Doom, they need help. If Ray J is in this class of fellows, it makes up for sign #6.

5. The History Channel Hasn’t Played Anything About Hitler in Like A Week

You know something is wrong when this happens. For some time, this channel could’ve been called the Hitler Network and no one would’ve been the wiser. But lately History has been preoccupied with other things, like signs of the apocalypse… shit. Also stop teasing us with seemingly interesting shows about Abraham Lincoln’s body getting grave robbed and then no such thing really happened. Get back to your roots History! On to #4.

4. The Cops Confiscating Beer at St. Patrick’s Day Parades

Now I’m not 100% Irish, but I’m pretty sure that St. Patrick is the Patron Saint of Leprechaun Costumes and piss lookouts for the cops. The St. Patrick’s Day Parade was once a wonderland of gratuitous and public alcohol consumption. However, the police in Chicago are looking to ruin our great American holiday by making me pour my beer out and empty my 25 lb. Backpack. Just when you thought going through all the trouble of putting it in a red plastic cup away from sight was enough, they wallop you with all these new rules. As sure as a sign of the apocalypse can be.

3. Alex Rodriguez/ The New York Yankees Pitching Rotation

Just like Gotham City’s white knight Harvey Dent, Alex Rodriguez has fallen from grace. Except there’s no Batman to cover his ass, just a dumbass cousin who accidentally gave him steroids. Accidentally taking steroids is like accidentally raping someone, these things don’t just happen. Also strikingly similar, with pointy things in peoples’ asses. Babe Ruth hit a shit ton of home runs on a hangover and hot dogs, that’s a true blue American hero. If anyone has ever drank before they know that’s not a performance-enhancing drug, if anything it’s a hindrance. I’m lucky to get off the couch or turn the channel when hung over, let alone sock some dingers. Also, if Microsoft weren’t a bad enough monopoly, the New York Yankees have become it. AJ Burnett and CC Sabathia? Baseball has been ruined for everyone as we know it… and that’s a sure sign of the apocalypse.

2. Obama’s Stimulus Plan

3.5 trillion dollars in spending next year, including 1.75 trillion dollars in deficit spending, that spells the word fucked with a capital F. So much of our country is going to belong to China, your dad’s new job is going to be writing the fortunes in the middle of cookies. We might as well let England have this mess back, the pound is strong anyway. We’re going to have to make dollar slots for gumball machines because everything is going to cost a fortune. Better get a passport before they’re a thousand dollars, sign #2. And that brings us to the worst sign this week…

1.“Madea Goes to Jail” No. 1 at the Box Office Two Weeks in a Row

I don’t think I really need to explain myself here. The self promotion machine Tyler Perry has hit #1 with Madea Goes to Jail not one week, but two weeks in a row! They say if you give a roomful of chimps typewriters, you would eventually get Shakespeare, they could pound out a Tyler Perry movie in about 28 minutes flat. Yet this guy is making money, and I’m trying to wash cars for 11 dollars an hour. Due to this lack of justice in the universe, this is surely the #1 sign we’re all going down in a blaze of hellfire in a little over three years.

All these signs point to disaster, hit up the site to the right for your survival tactics or move to a country God hasn’t heard of like Sweden or Australia. Also, after me and Rick complete our lists, feel free to comment and vote from our lists for the week’s ultimate seven signs!

In Debt,
Chris