Week 3: Chris

7. Obama’s Tournament Picks

I’m not criticizing the fact B-rock makes his picks for March Madness. Frankly, I may have been more upset if he didn’t. The reason this makes the cut is that this story took precedence in the news over so many other important issues. Well… Sri-Lanka is in turmoil, AIG is butt-raping Americans, but shit! Barack Obama took North Carolina to win it all! I guarantee North Carolina’s fan base jumped up a couple thousand from this endorsement from everyone’s favorite celebrity/leader of the free world. That being said, he is pretty informed. Also, I just put this before anything else. On to #6.

6. Horror Movies

A couple years ago I thought this era of terrible horror movies, remakes and all, was coming to an end. Remember the 90s when a horror movie was a rarity? I pine for those times back. These days you can’t go three weeks without some other abomination unto God coming to the big screen. ‘The Last House on the Left’ and ‘The Haunting in Connecticut’ are the newest of these BOO!I’mgonnajumpoutatyou! pieces of crap coming soon to steal your 10 dollars. Wes Craven must be hurting big time because he keeps allowing these things to be re-made. Originality is dying quicker than Jon Heder’s career, and that’s why this gets a nod.

5. TV Spin-Offs

These aren’t your parents’ delightful spin-offs, this isn’t the Jeffersons and 227. I’m talking about MTV’s deal with Satan involving the fake-reality of boring but attractive people. Laguna Beach left you thinking ‘Wow I want that half-hour back, that shit was terrible.’ But then zang! MTV’s marketing machine hits you with ‘The Hills’. Remember the movie ‘Frailty’? Well Laguna Beach started about when my weight started to hit new and astonishing highs. I think this show just made my metabolism give up because life just wasn’t worth living anymore. Then with the subsequent Hills and now City, soon other organs of mine will begin to quit, like a reverse Frailty until I have my own TLC special and then eventually just die. If being like one of those people is what it takes to be famous, I have no chance and it’s a bad reality to face. But because this show teaches young girls that dealing with boys and working in the fashion industry is just the way to go, we’re all going down.

4. Midnight ‘Twilight’ DVD Release Parties

Stephenie Meyer is a demon in disguise. I see her plan. She has successfully entered a joint contract with the devil and the Jonas Brothers to make sure there will never be a woman president. With young girls too busy thinking about what it would feel like to banged by a vampire or making a Jonas go back on their purity pledge, they won’t have any room to have any real dreams. Not only that, but when will it be the cool thing to do again to actually read books made for adults? I understand it’s a recession, but that doesn’t mean you HAVE to read books about being a vampire or a wizard. Why don’t you learn a marketable skill for a hobby instead of desperately waiting for the next installment of “Insert Absurd Fantasy Here” hits the shelves.

3. AIG Bailed Out Then Gets Bonuses

Edward Liddy really stepped into an awful situation. Its like ‘Intervention’, hey awesome I get to be on TV even if it is to show how much meth I can do in a day! Then you walk into a room with all of your crying friends and family and you got to hop a plane and not drink while you’re in there. Edward Liddy gets to take the helm of AIG only to get hammered into a court hearing about some not illegal but really not ethical bonuses. This company just got bailed out for the tune of $22 billion clams and now they the coconuts to give about 280 executives bonuses of over 100 grand. Such utter disregard for your fellow human beings in a time of crisis is surely a sign of the apocalypse.

2. The Fed Pumps $1.2 Trillion Into U.S. Economy

Who let Hammer into the White House? Isn’t that about as much as he blew employing the entire city of Oakland? This spending, while in the long term may be beneficial, in the short term is scarier than any horror re-make (see #6). Someday soon the Secretary of the Treasury is going to be a broke preacher as well. Three years is not enough for our economy to recover, and if there were any country that may be able to save the world it would’ve been ours. Where is all this money coming from anyway? It almost makes me glad to not be able to buy anything so I can’t be taxed harshly. The imminent collapse of a world power’s economy is going to be detrimental, and a sign of the apocalypse.

1. The Pope Vs. Condoms

The Pope, the head of the Catholic church, is out there broadcasting that he doesn’t condone the use of condoms, even “to stop the spread of AIDS.” With the Catholic religion growing by leaps and bounds in Africa, if the people listen the people who don’t by chance have AIDS will soon. Celibacy is the answer to no children and no disease I agree, but now that these diseases already exist other measure must be taken. We can’t all be the Duggars, Rome. And thank God for that. The spread of disease is the ultimate sign of the apocalypse.