Chris's List: Week 2

7. Coolio arrested for crack possession

Why, Coolio, why!? Seems to me you should still have “Fantastic Voyage” or “Gangsta’s Paradise” money floating around somewhere, so crack is a little under standard for such a large 90s star. At least get caught with some cocaine, or ecstasy, or something a little more high class. The only way this offense will be forgiven is if the public gets a killer song about getting busted for crack at LAX. First MC Hammer goes broke, Vanilla Ice starts a terrible rap metal band, and now this! Why can’t the rap stars of its heyday at least keep their dignity (Ice Cube in Are We There Yet? and Are We Done Yet? anyone?). This makes for sign #7.

6. I kind of like T-Pain now

Staying on the music topic and not leaving myself out of this, me liking T-Pain a little scares me. With his recent songs with Ludacris, and his hilarious feature in The Lonely Island’s song “I’m On a Boat”, I can’t help but have gained a bit of affection for him and his ridiculous top hat wearing ass. Now talk to me anytime before now, and I would’ve condemned this man for not having any talent because he uses the Auto-Tune for every song and dresses like an asshole. But now, with these shows of a sense of humor, I’m forced to change my mind a bit. Now I like to stay stalwart in my hating of things, and for this I’m sorry world for dooming you.

5. Text Message Horoscopes

First of all, anyone who thinks these things work and will forever change your life should suffer a fate worse than death, such as being Paris Hilton’s assistant. I say this because that job should be suitable to your IQ level… well this makes me question my decision because you would be the one to enjoy that type of job. Since the US banned public execution a long time ago, I don’t know a suitable punishment. Anyhow, does anyone read the fine print in commercials? These things cost like $19.95 a month to keep getting! I’m not even making that up, that’s a real figure. Teenage girls, at least learn some economics and get a whole YEAR of Teen People or some shit for that much. Oh, and knowledge generation bureau or whatever, don’t think I don’t know that you’re doing the exact same thing with your clever commercials.

4. Brickhouse Child Locators

Now riddle me this… what’s worse, the fact that these oppressive devices exist, or the fact that they might actually be necessary? Parents, have you ever thought of the possibility that your shitty kid wants to run away from you at the park is that you’re a shitty parent? Maybe you’ll prove otherwise by finding your damn kid yourself without a homing device. Having a kid isn’t like catching fish or running an air traffic control tower. Ok, after that bout of insensitivity, here’s some sentimental stuff. The fact that there are enough people snatching up kids out there that these things had to be made in the first place makes this sign of the apocalypse even more valid.

3. General Motors in the Toilet

It’s about time for all of the older generations who hold a grudge against Japan for World War II to get over it and buy a Honda. Because in about 20 years, you won’t be able to get your Chevy or Buick fixed in a normal shop, they’ll be in specialty shops like Jaguars and Beemers are now. GM’s stock fell to under $2 this week, meaning you can get a stock of GM for less than a value meal at McDonald’s. This says to me my investment in getter fatter has been a better one than investing in American cars, and it certainly worked. For if a second Ice Age were to come, my fat will keep me warm even when your heater breaks in your car you can’t get fixed. But this is a sign of the apocalypse because any major American company going under affects everyone, not just us.

2. The “Octomom”

It makes myself sick to give this woman more press, but then I feel better because only about 8 people will read this anyway. But what is this current obsession with being able to pop a bunch of kids out of your vag anyway? The only comfort this gives me is that “Children of Men” isn’t happening. People seem to forget how utterly useless this woman is, besides being ultra-fertile. Bravo you contributed 14 more poor children to the world, and please don’t send her money she put herself in this situation. She better hope one of those kids is a Major Leaguer or something, because if not have fun living off everyone else asshole. Besides there’s already like 3 shows on TLC about multiple kids, you missed the boat lady. The fact that she gets more press than actual issues is a sure sign that society has doomed us.

1. “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” No.1 in Blu-Ray and Comedy DVD Sales

Now I hate to be so predictable here, but dammit people have made these last two weeks so easy, and its my responsibility as a hater to put this at #1. If this is what children like these days, the man who wrote the movie “Idiocracy” is a prophet, because that’s where the world is headed. In the land of idiots, the half-wit is king. Actually bring that on, I might have a chance of making something of myself. But I would be really surprised if this movie doesn’t piss god or Buddha or whoever off enough to just say screw it, this experiment is over they ruined it for themselves.


In Living Color,
Chris