Rick, and his worst picks to date.

7.Winter Sports Deaths

What the hell is going on? What is happening on the slopes of the world? I mean Sonny Bono, Michael Kennedy, and now Natasha Richardson? Is it us as a society? Are we just that dumb when we get a set of skis on? Is there some sort of chemical imbalance that goes haywire when we strap on a set of Burtons? No I didn’t think so either. Something is afoot! Something real bad. Someone is sabotaging the worlds Ski hills. I know it’s going to take a while, and not exactly my choice to end humanity, but its working! Whoever it is, is trying to wipe out a whole society by convincing them it’s a good idea to strap themselves to two slick waxed up pieces of whatever, and go racing down a hill. Not just any hills either. Hills loaded up with thousands of giant pine trees and well of course, the faster they go the better too! If you’re going to ski wouldn’t you want to go at a nice slow pace. NOPE! People get out there and think they are Picabo Street for Christ Sake. Again, not exactly my choice to end the world, but they are proving slow and steady wins the race.

6.Blimps

Where’s the Blimps folks? Exactly, you have not seen a blimp in years. Here’s why. No one knows a THING about blimps. I’ve looked into this. Even blimp pilots have been going missing. I mean you couldn’t attend a summer sporting event, a Superbowl, even some domed events without the presence of a blimp! They used to be everywhere and then poof, gone. Well here’s why, blimps are flying devices that cannot be stopped. They can easily erupt into giant balls of fire which to me is another form of a WMD. I guarantee you the worlds blimps have been purchased by terrorists, Russia (who we all know is just biding their time) China (who own us) and or our friend Kim Jong Il. Well if you have been wondering about what happened to all the blimps, don’t you fret my friends. They will be back and burning down a major city near you soon.

5.AIG

This is another one I’m not even going to touch on to much. The company gets billions because their CEO’s were boneheads and couldn’t keep the company running, but that’s not even the worst of it. NOW, these jabronis are trying to get billions more to pay bonuses to the same CEOs who ran the company into the ground? ARE YOU SHITTING ME AIG?! What balls do you have to think that we would allow you to do this?? Oh, Wait, We probably will allow you to do this because our government is performing like the kid who comes in last at the Special Olympics. If we can let a bunch of failed CEOs “rape” our government like this, what the hell are our real enemies going to do?

(Yes, this deserved to be on both lists)

4.www.bbwpersonalsplus.com

Guys, I’m not even going to explain this to you as why it is a sign of the Apocalypse. Just look it up. Just look it up….

3.The Jitterbug

No my friends, not the fun, hip, “With it” dance you all know and love. I am talking about The Jitterbug Cell phone. Now for those of you unaware of this fine piece of equipment please allow me give you all a little information. This phone is, shaped as if it were a giant beetle, has numbers the size of those on NASCAR Race Cars, and is geared to the Baby boomer generation. I mean if you can find the commercial, please watch it carefully. The catchy swing tempo music, the geriatrics using the phone as if it were as simple as an abacus, and just the general delight of these old folks in the commercial just spells apocalypse to me. Now, let me tell you why. Old people and technology are like water and oil. I don’t care how big the numbers are they still won’t know how to use the damn thing. The world doesn’t care about old people. The fact that a product like this exists and people continue to purchase them shows me the world is incapable of survival.

2.Big Dog Clothing Line

You know exactly what I’m talking about. “Big Dog men” These men you see wearing the shirt that says “Big Dog Fisherman” “Big Dog Poker” “Big Dog Athletics” “Big Dog Cop” “Big Dog Fireman” and so on and so on and so on. Oh wait, I forgot one “BIG DOG ASSHOLE”. You see these shirts are all over the world. They came out in the 90’s and we all know how I love all things 90’s well BIG DOG isn’t one of those things. You know the shirts, they have the big black and white dog on their doing clever things that are to let you know how cool the guys wearing the shirt are. Let me be the one to say, NO ONE WHO WEARS BIG DOG IS COOL! Sorry guys if any of your dad’s rock a Big Dog shirt, do the world a favor and tell them to knock it off. The type of guys who wear this are, Loud mouth managers (you know guys who think their job titles mean more than what they do), guys who think they are tough because of their profession, and just poor saps who get terrible birthday presents from family members who just don’t care. Everyone these shirts must be destroyed before everyone wearing them joins up and destroys everything.

1.Everyone who participated in the Chicago South Side Irish parade events.

You all know who you are and you all know why you’re this weeks top sign of the Apocalypse. Shots, Flippy cup, Beer pong and lots of it. What makes us do this for these three days? I don’t think this phenomena can be explained. It is as if we are programmed every March to just binge and make awful decisions for three days. Now, Imagine with me if you will, if this wasn’t just a South Side of Chicago tradition? What if crazy shenanigans like this happened world wide? It would be anarchy! So let us thank our lucky starts that for three days a year, it is just us down here on the South Side. Although, the parade crowd does seem to be getting larger every year, conspiracy, I think not.


Thanks everyone for reading!
YOU'RE A WINNER!
Rick