Ricktovens 2nd

7. Dwyane Johnson

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson what are you doing? I used to find you slightly entertaining.I mean you started off god awful don't get me wrong. That being said, I thought your performance in “Be Cool” along side Vince Vaughn was pretty funny. I mean the fact that you were once a professional wrestling, trash mega star was already disadvantage for you. Then showing some promise, you cut ties with the business that’s number one amongst the Meth Demographic to maybe having a promising film career. However the train to movie stardom was delayed with your picture “The Game Plan”. It seems though as if the train has now derailed, “Race to witch Mountain” has done it sir. Your film career has finally bombed. I mean you’re doing Brendan Fraser pictures man. Brendan Fraser. So that can only mean 1 thing. . . . Two Brendan Frasers in this world clearly means mankind is DOOMED! Please just call it quits so humanity has a chance!!

6.Michael Jackson's Farewell tour.

Michael Jackson, the Man in the mirror, Jacko, Black or white, Face falling off, Latoya look a like, child molesting, king of pop has announced his fare well tour, the slogan, “This is it”. Are you shitting me Michael? This is it?? However, enraged as I was at this, it then hit me. I mean the signs have been there all along! His face melting, his goofy ways, his crazy misunderstanding on how to name children, and his creepy Neverland Ranch. Michael is clearly from another planet and now it’s proven! Most “farewell” tours on average run about 2 to 3 years. What happens 3 years from now you ask? Right 2012! Michael ladies and gentleman, is clearly an ALIEN! He’s going to make a ton of clams out of this tour and then he’s off to well who knows where. I mean he managed to stay relevant for 30+ years and has scammed the world out of more money than Bernie Madoff. 100 million in debt my arse. Michael has been hiding all this money for his ticket out of here. He’s clearly been buying plans and technology to build a shuttle from somewhere and you know Nasa isn’t helping him. He’s pulled the wool over all our eyes folks, it was all just a show and it’s about to be curtains. Michael’s on his way off this rock and that’s saying something.

5. Oh Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley, you’re turrible, just turrible. 3 days in the pokey for a DUI. Just 3 days in prison and that’s it. Then it’s back to work at TNT making even more millions. You know what happens if I got pulled over for a DUI and my excuse for it was “I was in a hurry to get a B**w Job around the corner” guess what I would get aside from getting grounded(yes i still live with my parents)? That’s right absolutely nothing but a stain on my record! I wouldn’t get millions keeping my job for TNT. I wouldn’t get a reality show based off my piss poor golf game. I would get nothing! The fact that Sir Charles can make a mockery of our judicial system while making jokes the whole way through, goes to show, that its all over for us.

4. Armageddon or Deep Impact?

This just in, just in case you missed it WE ALMOST GOT HIT BY AN ASTEROID! Now chances are you didn’t hear about this. Well in the government’s defense it was only 50,000 miles away. (Right that distance means nothing to me either) However, to put that into perspective, the distance between the Earth and Moon is 230,000 miles away! Now if you ask me, that’s TO damn close to not be informed until after it had passed us by! It was 50 yards long and would have caused roughly the same amount of damage caused by the speculated Siberian asteroid strike which leveled 800 square miles of forest. Its things like that make me wonder how many other near misses there have been, and if the one in 2012 wont be a near miss at all…

3.Tom Ammiano stop your peer pressure!

Tom Ammiano, have you gone insane sir? Legalize marijuana? You have clearly lost touch with reality. Now those of you not familiar with this lunatic he is an Assemblyman in California proposing a law to legalize marijuana. Yes THE Marijuana. Marijuana is the single most used drug in America and you think it’s smart to legalize this “wacky tobaccy”? I mean sure it would bring in 1.3 billion a year in estimated tax dollars but at what costs??? Dope fiends would run the streets in a wild “high”, getting kicks with friends in black lit orgies of laughter, indulging on dozens of Twinkies, Funyuns, and Grape drinks. Sure there are more alcohol related deaths in the world than Marijuana related incidents, but Marijuana is a terrible drug that leads to FAR worse. The idea of legalized marijuana and the fact that this law has big support from San Francisco "high ups" is clearly the sign that the world will end at the cause of a DOPE ADDICT and in my opinion is a sad time in America.

2. Kim Jong Il you crassy!

Kim Jong Il, you sad crazy little man. Sorry it took you almost 50 Plus years to join the nuclear weapons club. Sorry that you suffer from “little mans” disease. Sorry that Japan, China and almost every other Asian nation is leagues ahead of your tiny little country. Now I know you’re looking for attention, kind of like Marsha Brady in her adolescence but its time to shut it down Kim. Unless you have some secret alliance with Putin’s new USSR themed Russia which I doubt he would even give you the sweat off his testes, I would recommend War with the U.S., the UN and your nemesis to the south would not be your wisest choice. How do you expect the world to believe that you have the technology to launch a satellite? Your country is one of the poorest, your technology is a joke and you expect us to believe that’s a SPACE Satellite you’re launching!? YOU’RE NUTS! So please Kim Jong Il launch your “satellite”, and watch the world implode. Thank you, I hope your cries for attention were well worth it sir.

1. Poor Monkey

Ok, first things first… WHY WHY WHY are we wondering how a chimpanzee could have RIPPED someone’s face off? Oh RIGHT I’ll tell you, IT’S A DAMN CHIMPANZEE! My god this is an outrageous story! First off, I used to be all for owning a monkey but that’s right I grew up. This is just crazy to me! I’ve seen headlines from Fox News that said, “CHIMP GOES BANANAS” or my personal favorite from the New York Post “FURIOUS GEORGE”. I mean I don’t think people realize how ridiculous this is. The chimp’s owner bathed and slept with the damn animal not to mention had it on enough tranquilizers to take down an elephant! So you’re damn right the chimp went (for lack of a better term), apeshit! So next time someone asks, “I wonder what provoked the attack?” turn to them and punch them in the face and say, “The chimp was asked a question like that!” Now down to brass tacks, what constitutes this as a sign of the coming end you ask? Well if we as a society have to ask questions about why a CHIMPANZEE, an animal, something we have supposedly EVOLVED from, attacked a woman and ripped her face right off of her face, then we don’t have a chance in hell in surviving any kind of attack, global warming, economic crisis, zombie attack, or asteroid strike that is surely to come in 2012. In the words of Charlton Heston, "GOD DAMN YOUS! GOD DAMN YOUS ALL TO HELL!"

Well everyone there you have it. My 7 signs of the apocalypse for this week. Please dont forget to vote on your favorite signs off the two lists for this week. Also we appreciate all comments as you know, even if they are from jerks like Rush Limbaugh.

Til Next time,
Rick

Chris's List: Week 2

7. Coolio arrested for crack possession

Why, Coolio, why!? Seems to me you should still have “Fantastic Voyage” or “Gangsta’s Paradise” money floating around somewhere, so crack is a little under standard for such a large 90s star. At least get caught with some cocaine, or ecstasy, or something a little more high class. The only way this offense will be forgiven is if the public gets a killer song about getting busted for crack at LAX. First MC Hammer goes broke, Vanilla Ice starts a terrible rap metal band, and now this! Why can’t the rap stars of its heyday at least keep their dignity (Ice Cube in Are We There Yet? and Are We Done Yet? anyone?). This makes for sign #7.

6. I kind of like T-Pain now

Staying on the music topic and not leaving myself out of this, me liking T-Pain a little scares me. With his recent songs with Ludacris, and his hilarious feature in The Lonely Island’s song “I’m On a Boat”, I can’t help but have gained a bit of affection for him and his ridiculous top hat wearing ass. Now talk to me anytime before now, and I would’ve condemned this man for not having any talent because he uses the Auto-Tune for every song and dresses like an asshole. But now, with these shows of a sense of humor, I’m forced to change my mind a bit. Now I like to stay stalwart in my hating of things, and for this I’m sorry world for dooming you.

5. Text Message Horoscopes

First of all, anyone who thinks these things work and will forever change your life should suffer a fate worse than death, such as being Paris Hilton’s assistant. I say this because that job should be suitable to your IQ level… well this makes me question my decision because you would be the one to enjoy that type of job. Since the US banned public execution a long time ago, I don’t know a suitable punishment. Anyhow, does anyone read the fine print in commercials? These things cost like $19.95 a month to keep getting! I’m not even making that up, that’s a real figure. Teenage girls, at least learn some economics and get a whole YEAR of Teen People or some shit for that much. Oh, and knowledge generation bureau or whatever, don’t think I don’t know that you’re doing the exact same thing with your clever commercials.

4. Brickhouse Child Locators

Now riddle me this… what’s worse, the fact that these oppressive devices exist, or the fact that they might actually be necessary? Parents, have you ever thought of the possibility that your shitty kid wants to run away from you at the park is that you’re a shitty parent? Maybe you’ll prove otherwise by finding your damn kid yourself without a homing device. Having a kid isn’t like catching fish or running an air traffic control tower. Ok, after that bout of insensitivity, here’s some sentimental stuff. The fact that there are enough people snatching up kids out there that these things had to be made in the first place makes this sign of the apocalypse even more valid.

3. General Motors in the Toilet

It’s about time for all of the older generations who hold a grudge against Japan for World War II to get over it and buy a Honda. Because in about 20 years, you won’t be able to get your Chevy or Buick fixed in a normal shop, they’ll be in specialty shops like Jaguars and Beemers are now. GM’s stock fell to under $2 this week, meaning you can get a stock of GM for less than a value meal at McDonald’s. This says to me my investment in getter fatter has been a better one than investing in American cars, and it certainly worked. For if a second Ice Age were to come, my fat will keep me warm even when your heater breaks in your car you can’t get fixed. But this is a sign of the apocalypse because any major American company going under affects everyone, not just us.

2. The “Octomom”

It makes myself sick to give this woman more press, but then I feel better because only about 8 people will read this anyway. But what is this current obsession with being able to pop a bunch of kids out of your vag anyway? The only comfort this gives me is that “Children of Men” isn’t happening. People seem to forget how utterly useless this woman is, besides being ultra-fertile. Bravo you contributed 14 more poor children to the world, and please don’t send her money she put herself in this situation. She better hope one of those kids is a Major Leaguer or something, because if not have fun living off everyone else asshole. Besides there’s already like 3 shows on TLC about multiple kids, you missed the boat lady. The fact that she gets more press than actual issues is a sure sign that society has doomed us.

1. “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” No.1 in Blu-Ray and Comedy DVD Sales

Now I hate to be so predictable here, but dammit people have made these last two weeks so easy, and its my responsibility as a hater to put this at #1. If this is what children like these days, the man who wrote the movie “Idiocracy” is a prophet, because that’s where the world is headed. In the land of idiots, the half-wit is king. Actually bring that on, I might have a chance of making something of myself. But I would be really surprised if this movie doesn’t piss god or Buddha or whoever off enough to just say screw it, this experiment is over they ruined it for themselves.


In Living Color,
Chris

The RESULTS SHOW!

Ladies, gents and transgenders alike , THE RESULTS ARE IN! I know i know you were all dying to know what the top 7 signs of the apocalypse would be. Well you have to wait no further. The results are as follows...

Now 7-4 all received one vote so please don't get into an uproar 7-4 are in no particular order!

7. Reality Television

6. The Jonas brothers

5.Paul Harvey's Death

4. St. Patricks Day Parade beer confiscation.

Now here comes the big dogs.
Receiving 2 votes..

3. Alex Rodriguez, Baseballs golden boy, Oh yea he uses steroids too!

Receiving 3 Votes and really truly and upset to Team 2012,

Number 2.
Madea Number one at the Box office two weeks in a row!!!

And folks your number ONE sign of the apocalypse for the week of 3/1 to 3/8,
Ladies and gentleman,,, your choice as our Inaugural sign of the Apocalypse....

TMZ.COM!!!!!!!!!

We appreciate all votes and all comments!! Please don't forget next weeks top 14 signs of the apocalypse and please don't forget to vote !!!! The next 14 will be released tomorrow so please check back and tell everyone you know what we're doing here at 2012ApocalypseSoon.blogspot.com !!!!!

Til next time,
Team 2012

A Conservatives Survival Tip

This tip is designed to help the Ultra conservative groups in America. Now majority of you share the same sentiments that what our current president has is a "socialist" agenda. Well just as the socialist opposition did in early 20th century Russia they adapted to the new society to fit in unquestionably plotting to one day over throw the Socialists. With the fear of socialism looming in post George W's America I envisage a Conservative lot that is willing to do anything and everything to survive Obama's plot to destroy America, and spit on our constitution only to convert us all to Muslims because that's exactly what he is! What do i have in mind you ask. Move to another country possibly? What i say to that fine readers is nay! Without America, there is no world. As George W. Bush stated, "I believe the most solemn duty of the American president is to protect the American people. If America shows uncertainty and weakness in this decade, the world will drift toward tragedy. This will not happen on my watch. " So without America, and George W. Bush the world is over as we know it. So what all of you must do in order to keep the true values of America alive and well through these hard times are quite simple. The Obama Fade. That's right brothers to get the Obama fade will be the fool proof way to go unnoticed in the Obama Socialist party. This will give you great opportunity to secretly spread the message of Democracy and to keep Lady Liberties heart resonating through the globe. I have included some pictures to help display just exactly how the haircut should look.


Now here is an example on how some Europeans opposed to socialism blended in to look like Lenin.
This Worked like a charm.


Now you can go into any barber and just as for the "Obama Fade"
As Seen here!

By following these steps my conservative comra.. (oops) friends, you will surely fly completely under the radar whilst trying to save the world. . .

Looks like the conservative voice has taken my advice already!!
Looks great Rush! Looks Great!




Good Luck to you, and may God Bless the United States Of America
Rick

Survival Tip #1

Ok now this survival tip comes with very specific circumstances, so listen... read closely. If the forthcoming apocalypse were one of the "I Am Legend" zombie variety, acquire a houseboat or at least a house on a lake. Everyone knows zombies in the traditional sense can't swim, and even if they could point is moot because they'd never suspect you're floating somewhere in a lake. Now here comes the important part, if we are in a "28 Days/Weeks Later" situation with smarter zombies, this plan may or may not work, so i do not endorse it. But after the initial wave of deaths, acquiring a houseboat shouldn't be a problem if you make it.

So lets recap:


If your zombies look like this << and have a sun allergy, this plan is good to go.




If your zombies look like this << however, you may encounter problems and don't say I didn't tell you so.

In Treatment,
Chris