Hiatus

Well if anyone reads this site... You have realized there has been a bit of a hiatus here. Well the proprietors of this here site have been a bit busy, but we have decided to make a bit of a change in format. Instead of 7 a week, we will do our best to do daily or bi-daily rants and make a master list in the end of week. So in the spirit of hating everything here are a few things that're bugging me:

1. The Death of the Southside Irish Parade

Well we said before that the police stealing our beer was a travesty, now they finally put the kibbutz on the whole damn thing! I feel like we should have a funeral with speakers and a lowering of the proverbial coffin. Its like one of my friends dying, my favorite holiday going down. I mean sure, I didn't see one cold second of the parade the last three years, but its the principle of the thing! Now I'm going to look like even more of a jackass dressed up all in green.

2. Corruption Even in High Schools!

Well Blagojevich finally got indicted, and thats Illinois for you. But its come down even to my old high school! This state is the hellmouth and eventually its going to implode the United States like a black hole. Just suck the rest down into hell. Because corruption is so deep-seeded that even the deans of my high school can't resist paying for their kids' private school educations with public funding. (They work at a public school-that should say something haha.)

3. Fast and Furious

Its offensive to me that you take the "The"s out of a movie title and you think I'm going to give Vin Diesel another 10 of my dollars. Aint gonna happen 'Vin', if that is your real name. What are you the heir to some 1800s tycoon Vin 'Diesel'? If so, you don't need my money anyway. So fuck off.

Chris

Survival Tip #3

This survival tip comes not to help you in the event of the apocalypse, but how to survive post-judgment life. If you somehow cheat fate and wind up alive, whether it be from a bomb shelter, discovery of magic, or just sheer luck, you’re going to need this tip.

Stockpile media! I say this because when everyone else is dead, you’re going to need something to occupy your time. Being unemployed for three months I feel well qualified in this field of boredom. It comes in a few stages, like the Tour de France or recovering from alcoholism.

1. Acceptance
I know this is reversed, but at first you’re like “eh maybe I can deal with this, the peace and quiet is kinda nice” This stage is deceiving, its not nice and it gets real lonely.
2, Boredom
This is where your media kicks in. Get a couple generators, and like 4 backup iPods. Also, steal all the music and movies you can possibly rustle up because the people who run the interweb will be dead too.
3. Depression
just when you feel worthless, remember this: YOU MADE IT! You’re alive and on par with all the billionaires that floated around in space while everyone else burned. So pack up all your no longer illegal stockpiled music, get some food, and find all the rich people who made it out with you. Not only that, but after months of doing nothing but surviving and watching every season of Mama’s Family and Alf, you’ll have lots to talk about.

Side Tip: Test every sexual partner you have that’s Catholic, because if they listen to that nut in the Vatican those condoms have holes in them.

Good Luck,
Chris

Rick, and his worst picks to date.

7.Winter Sports Deaths

What the hell is going on? What is happening on the slopes of the world? I mean Sonny Bono, Michael Kennedy, and now Natasha Richardson? Is it us as a society? Are we just that dumb when we get a set of skis on? Is there some sort of chemical imbalance that goes haywire when we strap on a set of Burtons? No I didn’t think so either. Something is afoot! Something real bad. Someone is sabotaging the worlds Ski hills. I know it’s going to take a while, and not exactly my choice to end humanity, but its working! Whoever it is, is trying to wipe out a whole society by convincing them it’s a good idea to strap themselves to two slick waxed up pieces of whatever, and go racing down a hill. Not just any hills either. Hills loaded up with thousands of giant pine trees and well of course, the faster they go the better too! If you’re going to ski wouldn’t you want to go at a nice slow pace. NOPE! People get out there and think they are Picabo Street for Christ Sake. Again, not exactly my choice to end the world, but they are proving slow and steady wins the race.

6.Blimps

Where’s the Blimps folks? Exactly, you have not seen a blimp in years. Here’s why. No one knows a THING about blimps. I’ve looked into this. Even blimp pilots have been going missing. I mean you couldn’t attend a summer sporting event, a Superbowl, even some domed events without the presence of a blimp! They used to be everywhere and then poof, gone. Well here’s why, blimps are flying devices that cannot be stopped. They can easily erupt into giant balls of fire which to me is another form of a WMD. I guarantee you the worlds blimps have been purchased by terrorists, Russia (who we all know is just biding their time) China (who own us) and or our friend Kim Jong Il. Well if you have been wondering about what happened to all the blimps, don’t you fret my friends. They will be back and burning down a major city near you soon.

5.AIG

This is another one I’m not even going to touch on to much. The company gets billions because their CEO’s were boneheads and couldn’t keep the company running, but that’s not even the worst of it. NOW, these jabronis are trying to get billions more to pay bonuses to the same CEOs who ran the company into the ground? ARE YOU SHITTING ME AIG?! What balls do you have to think that we would allow you to do this?? Oh, Wait, We probably will allow you to do this because our government is performing like the kid who comes in last at the Special Olympics. If we can let a bunch of failed CEOs “rape” our government like this, what the hell are our real enemies going to do?

(Yes, this deserved to be on both lists)

4.www.bbwpersonalsplus.com

Guys, I’m not even going to explain this to you as why it is a sign of the Apocalypse. Just look it up. Just look it up….

3.The Jitterbug

No my friends, not the fun, hip, “With it” dance you all know and love. I am talking about The Jitterbug Cell phone. Now for those of you unaware of this fine piece of equipment please allow me give you all a little information. This phone is, shaped as if it were a giant beetle, has numbers the size of those on NASCAR Race Cars, and is geared to the Baby boomer generation. I mean if you can find the commercial, please watch it carefully. The catchy swing tempo music, the geriatrics using the phone as if it were as simple as an abacus, and just the general delight of these old folks in the commercial just spells apocalypse to me. Now, let me tell you why. Old people and technology are like water and oil. I don’t care how big the numbers are they still won’t know how to use the damn thing. The world doesn’t care about old people. The fact that a product like this exists and people continue to purchase them shows me the world is incapable of survival.

2.Big Dog Clothing Line

You know exactly what I’m talking about. “Big Dog men” These men you see wearing the shirt that says “Big Dog Fisherman” “Big Dog Poker” “Big Dog Athletics” “Big Dog Cop” “Big Dog Fireman” and so on and so on and so on. Oh wait, I forgot one “BIG DOG ASSHOLE”. You see these shirts are all over the world. They came out in the 90’s and we all know how I love all things 90’s well BIG DOG isn’t one of those things. You know the shirts, they have the big black and white dog on their doing clever things that are to let you know how cool the guys wearing the shirt are. Let me be the one to say, NO ONE WHO WEARS BIG DOG IS COOL! Sorry guys if any of your dad’s rock a Big Dog shirt, do the world a favor and tell them to knock it off. The type of guys who wear this are, Loud mouth managers (you know guys who think their job titles mean more than what they do), guys who think they are tough because of their profession, and just poor saps who get terrible birthday presents from family members who just don’t care. Everyone these shirts must be destroyed before everyone wearing them joins up and destroys everything.

1.Everyone who participated in the Chicago South Side Irish parade events.

You all know who you are and you all know why you’re this weeks top sign of the Apocalypse. Shots, Flippy cup, Beer pong and lots of it. What makes us do this for these three days? I don’t think this phenomena can be explained. It is as if we are programmed every March to just binge and make awful decisions for three days. Now, Imagine with me if you will, if this wasn’t just a South Side of Chicago tradition? What if crazy shenanigans like this happened world wide? It would be anarchy! So let us thank our lucky starts that for three days a year, it is just us down here on the South Side. Although, the parade crowd does seem to be getting larger every year, conspiracy, I think not.


Thanks everyone for reading!
YOU'RE A WINNER!
Rick

Week 3: Chris

7. Obama’s Tournament Picks

I’m not criticizing the fact B-rock makes his picks for March Madness. Frankly, I may have been more upset if he didn’t. The reason this makes the cut is that this story took precedence in the news over so many other important issues. Well… Sri-Lanka is in turmoil, AIG is butt-raping Americans, but shit! Barack Obama took North Carolina to win it all! I guarantee North Carolina’s fan base jumped up a couple thousand from this endorsement from everyone’s favorite celebrity/leader of the free world. That being said, he is pretty informed. Also, I just put this before anything else. On to #6.

6. Horror Movies

A couple years ago I thought this era of terrible horror movies, remakes and all, was coming to an end. Remember the 90s when a horror movie was a rarity? I pine for those times back. These days you can’t go three weeks without some other abomination unto God coming to the big screen. ‘The Last House on the Left’ and ‘The Haunting in Connecticut’ are the newest of these BOO!I’mgonnajumpoutatyou! pieces of crap coming soon to steal your 10 dollars. Wes Craven must be hurting big time because he keeps allowing these things to be re-made. Originality is dying quicker than Jon Heder’s career, and that’s why this gets a nod.

5. TV Spin-Offs

These aren’t your parents’ delightful spin-offs, this isn’t the Jeffersons and 227. I’m talking about MTV’s deal with Satan involving the fake-reality of boring but attractive people. Laguna Beach left you thinking ‘Wow I want that half-hour back, that shit was terrible.’ But then zang! MTV’s marketing machine hits you with ‘The Hills’. Remember the movie ‘Frailty’? Well Laguna Beach started about when my weight started to hit new and astonishing highs. I think this show just made my metabolism give up because life just wasn’t worth living anymore. Then with the subsequent Hills and now City, soon other organs of mine will begin to quit, like a reverse Frailty until I have my own TLC special and then eventually just die. If being like one of those people is what it takes to be famous, I have no chance and it’s a bad reality to face. But because this show teaches young girls that dealing with boys and working in the fashion industry is just the way to go, we’re all going down.

4. Midnight ‘Twilight’ DVD Release Parties

Stephenie Meyer is a demon in disguise. I see her plan. She has successfully entered a joint contract with the devil and the Jonas Brothers to make sure there will never be a woman president. With young girls too busy thinking about what it would feel like to banged by a vampire or making a Jonas go back on their purity pledge, they won’t have any room to have any real dreams. Not only that, but when will it be the cool thing to do again to actually read books made for adults? I understand it’s a recession, but that doesn’t mean you HAVE to read books about being a vampire or a wizard. Why don’t you learn a marketable skill for a hobby instead of desperately waiting for the next installment of “Insert Absurd Fantasy Here” hits the shelves.

3. AIG Bailed Out Then Gets Bonuses

Edward Liddy really stepped into an awful situation. Its like ‘Intervention’, hey awesome I get to be on TV even if it is to show how much meth I can do in a day! Then you walk into a room with all of your crying friends and family and you got to hop a plane and not drink while you’re in there. Edward Liddy gets to take the helm of AIG only to get hammered into a court hearing about some not illegal but really not ethical bonuses. This company just got bailed out for the tune of $22 billion clams and now they the coconuts to give about 280 executives bonuses of over 100 grand. Such utter disregard for your fellow human beings in a time of crisis is surely a sign of the apocalypse.

2. The Fed Pumps $1.2 Trillion Into U.S. Economy

Who let Hammer into the White House? Isn’t that about as much as he blew employing the entire city of Oakland? This spending, while in the long term may be beneficial, in the short term is scarier than any horror re-make (see #6). Someday soon the Secretary of the Treasury is going to be a broke preacher as well. Three years is not enough for our economy to recover, and if there were any country that may be able to save the world it would’ve been ours. Where is all this money coming from anyway? It almost makes me glad to not be able to buy anything so I can’t be taxed harshly. The imminent collapse of a world power’s economy is going to be detrimental, and a sign of the apocalypse.

1. The Pope Vs. Condoms

The Pope, the head of the Catholic church, is out there broadcasting that he doesn’t condone the use of condoms, even “to stop the spread of AIDS.” With the Catholic religion growing by leaps and bounds in Africa, if the people listen the people who don’t by chance have AIDS will soon. Celibacy is the answer to no children and no disease I agree, but now that these diseases already exist other measure must be taken. We can’t all be the Duggars, Rome. And thank God for that. The spread of disease is the ultimate sign of the apocalypse.

Week 2 Results Show!

Well due to a shortage of votes, the last two are made up, but whatever its our blog we can do what we want.

7. Text Message Horoscopes

6. Kim Jong Il Being Completely Insane

5. Beverly Hills Chihuahua

4. Michael Jackson Farewell Tour

3. Earth's Near Miss From Deep Impact Becoming More Than A Crap Movie

2. Chimp Rips Off Face

1. Brickhouse Child Locators!

Well pretty much all of these were tied, but i picked the Child Locators because Rick won last week and I wanna win now. Haha.

Team 2012. We don't cover incidentals.. so keep your ass out the mini-bar!